All posts by Chris Butera

Chris Butera enjoys going to metal concerts, reading and having a cold one with friends.

WCPW Loaded Episode 1: A Rampage Begins

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by Frank Lucci

WhatCulture Wrestling has quickly become one of the premiere pro wrestling channels on YouTube and from humble beginnings in late 2014, the channel has managed to eclipse the subscriber count of TNA.

An extension of the WhatCulture.com, the British brand has become so successful that they recently started their own wrestling federation, WCPW (What Culture Pro Wrestling) and have filmed several episodes for online release.

The first episode is broken down into six separate uploads which can be viewed in about an hour and a half. Production wise, the set looks amazing and the video production is top notch. Special mention goes the comic book style drawings of the wrestlers that begin each match. However, the audio is hit or miss. The announcers (King Ross, who is great and Simon Miller, who is…there) come out clear, while everything else from the crowd (interviewers, etc) is muted. This is especially bad during backstage interviews where whoever holds the microphone is the only person who can usually be heard.

Segment I: WCPW Introduction

WCPW General Manager Adam Pacitti starts the show off. He thanks the crowd for supporting the channel and announces he will reveal the WCPW Heavyweight Championship at the end of the show. We also get a backstage segment where Adam Blampied makes fun of Jack the Jobber. Nothing much here unless you’re new to the channel.

Segment II: Alex Gracie vs. Gabriel Kidd vs. Joseph Conners (Triple Threat Elimination match)

This video sets up the formula for each segment after this (logo intro, King Ross and Simon banter, match, backstage interview). The Ross and Simon sections are decent but nothing special and the backstage interviews suffer from the aforementioned audio problems.

As for this match itself, this was a good opener. Each man worked hard, but this was set up to establish Connors as an up and coming babyface and Gracie as the opportunist heel with partner Lucas Archer and manager James R. Kennedy. Conners has a great DDT finisher that he uses to beat Kidd, but Gracie gets DQ’ed when his gang attacks Connors. A good start to the program but pretty forgettable in the long haul. Highlights include the crowd calling Gracie and Archer “bum boys” for having their names on the back of their tights and some good three man spots.

Segment III: El Ligero vs. Martin Kirby

Perhaps the most entertaining match on this episode, as this is all comedy. Both men represent different Nintendo franchises on their gear, as Ligero has different Mario icons on his gear and mask and Kirby has, well, Kirbys. The story of the match is Martin being a ridiculous Bo Dallas type who tries to copy Ligero’s poses. When the two actually wrestle the action is crisp and El Ligero wins with an epic tornado DDT.

Segment IV: Prince Ameen vs. “Iron Man” Joe Coffey

Ameen has a so-so in ring interview before the match, which is helped by King Ross’ commentary. Ross, being King, refuses to sit during Ameen’s speech and hypes his fellow royalty (I like how the announcers and wrestlers actually acknowledge the crowd’s chants, unlike the WWE where most people just steamroll through interviews). When “Iron Man” Joe Coffey comes out, the crowd sings Black Sabbath’s legendary “Iron Man”riff (which I love). Wrestling wise however, this is pretty so-so with an abrupt finish when Ameen walks away from the match and gets counted out. An unfortunate low point in the show.

Segment V: “Local Hero” Joe Hendry vs. Big Damo (Winner faces Rampage Brown for the WCPW Heavyweight Championship)

The main event of the show sees Local Hero Hendry (literally referred to as such) and Big Damo fighting to be Jack the Jobber’s representative. Hendry makes an Adele parody video (which is gold), causing Damo to snap and attack Hendry before the bell.

This match is one big brawl, with both men pulling off some power moves – including Hendry hitting a big fallaway slam on the massive Damo. A ref bump causes Jack to become involved as he tries to stop the modern day gladiators from using a steel chair. Both attempts fail, but it is Damo’s use of the chair that helps him defeat the Local Hero. A decent showing that sets up a big hoss match between Damo and Rampage.

Segment VI: WCPW Title Reveal

Pacitti comes back out to reveal the new title, which looks pretty good. However, this brings out Brown and Blampied. They poke fun at Pacitti and hype Brown up as a future champ before Rampage goes on a tear and chokes Pacitti. This brings out a random security guard who gets a piledriver for his efforts. The episode ends with Brown ripping up the cardboard WhatCulture belt.

Overall, this was a good showcase of what we can expect from WCPW. There definitely needs to be some work, but the skeleton of a quality wrestling show is here.

Unlocking The Truth: Controlling Chaos

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Unlocking The Truth (left to right): Alec Atkins, Malcolm Brickhouse, Jarad Dawkins. Credit: Phil Knotts.

It’s a warm Wednesday afternoon. Fifteen year-old Malcolm Brickhouse skates one of New York City’s East Village streets. His fellow bandmates Alec Atkins, 15 and Jarad Dawkins, 14; strut behind the sound of trucks on pavement and Brickhouse’s leather trenchcoat covering his DGK skateboard, giving him a floating appearance. People are quick to notice as Japanese freelance photographers begin shooting the boys being themselves on a Summer afternoon.

The attention and aura the kids give off is interesting. Passerby don’t seem to worry about it, being used to all sorts of things that bustle through the bowery; but they do glance here and there (and they should) as these are no ordinary Brooklyn high-schoolers.

Brickhouse, Atkins and Dawkins are Unlocking The Truth – a young heavy metal band who only a year ago had gotten out of a monumental deal with Sony and have been slowly but surely taking the world by force after being discovered by Eric Clapton’s drummer Steve Jordan during a 2012 Washington Square Park performance. Tonight marks the first of several intimate release shows for their debut album “Chaos” (available now from iTunes, Spotify and other online retailers via Tunecore) at The Studio of the one and only Webster Hall.

The boys are clam, cool, collected and hungry. They’re more concerned about what to order from the Chinese food menu than how many friends, family and fans will come to see them. They’ve already mastered the art of crowd control by playing to tens of thousands at Coachella, Vans Warped Tour and one-off gigs with the likes of Metallica, Guns ‘N’ Roses and Marilyn Manson (who the boys find extremely funny; had the most beneficial backstage advice for them, offering life lessons, business tips and visited them regularly instead of the usual “don’t do drugs” cliche’).

“He was much more open with us,” Dawkins said. “He would come in our dressing room here and there and talk about what he went through and what we should watch out for in this business. He’s really funny.”

Backstage, the young rockers hang out in the empty venue, messing around on their phones and jokingly teasing one another as teenagers do. Tired of sitting, Brickhouse busts out the 8.5” DGK (his other weapon of choice due to the artwork and company vibe) and skates around the venue to scope the place out for a minute before event staff inform him it’s not permitted to be on a board inside. While he doesn’t remember what got him into the action sport initially, skating calms his nerves. His favorite pro is none other than the multi-champion son of a comic Paul “P-Rod” Rodriguez, who is known for pulling off flawless contest runs and has one heck of an inward heelflip; Brickhouses’ favorite trick. The opening band’s sound check starts up and the guitarist heads back to the dressing room to rejoin his friends before they take the stage.

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The early days, the city streets would soon become festival stages.

The openers are decent – a cross between Alice In Chains, Nirvana and the Stone Temple Pilots. No one remembers their name, but they do well and show a good amount of energy and charisma. The fans in attendance are not for them, but for the boys. Family and friends are catching up and piling in until the set comes to an end. Annette Jackson, Brickhouses’ mother and Unlocking The Truth’s co-manager stands in the back and hustles the boys merchandise – a bevy of T-shirts, stickers and posters to the adoring public. A strong but tiny fireball, Jackson is a Supermom in every sense of the word.

“It feels good supporting our son Malcolm and his goals of becoming one to the best bands and a music producer,” she says. “It’s very expensive, very time consuming and a thankless job, but we always say our prayers and thank the good Lord for blessing him and to never let us take our blessings for granted.”

One piece of “Truth gear” is noticeably absent, however. There are no physical copies of “Chaos” present as Jackson doesn’t want to risk an individual leaking the album two days before its release. The boys have worked too long and too hard to let someone else let the cat out of the bag.

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Unlocking The Truth ripping it up at Coachella.

When the Brooklyn metal band signed a whopping $1.8 million, five album deal with Sony in 2014, things changed immediately (because of their ages, they had to get the Supreme Court’s approval to ink the contract). At the request of producers, the band decided vocals would be essential to their then-instrumental arsenal. There were talks of auditions with various singers, but they never surfaced when Brickhouse stepped up to the plate shortly after the decision was made. After taking lessons to this day from Melissa Cross, a vocal teacher for major label artists better known for her “Zen of Screaming” DVDs; Brickhouse now performs double-duty on guitar and vocals simultaneously.

“Someone has to sing. You can’t be a big band and not have a singer,” he said . “We were thinking of getting a girl singer, but it just didn’t happen. We even tried him (Atkins), but it didn’t work out, so I just said “I’ll sing.”

In addition to the new sound, a plethora of publicity, commercial spots and dream gig offers knocked on the boys proverbial doors. In the blink of an eye, they’d made it to the big leagues well before graduation. While they were still treated the same by their peers, the rest of the world was another story. Everything was happening all at once for the trio and the instant fame was more than they could handle at the time. After an intense legal battle, Unlocking The Truth would be released from their contract with Sony roughly a year after their initial signing.

“A lot of it was between our parents and laywers. It wasn’t the contract that made us leave. It was the pressure of dealing with fame. It was just a thing of too much too fast. I miss it now, but we’re trying to get it back at our own pace,” Brickhouse says.

During the Sony days, a six song EP (titled “Free As You Wanna Be”) was recorded by Disturbed producer John “Johnny K” Karkazis that eventually got scrapped after things didn’t work out. This would be a blessing (and omen) in disguise as Karkazis would be a necessary contact the boys needed to make when they would record “Chaos” with him over the course of a week.

“We were in a rush, but it worked,” Dawkins said. “He (Karkazis) is very fun to work with, a very good guy. He has over 20 years of experience, he’s wonderful at what he does and he’s passionate.”

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The Chaos cover: proof that hard work pays off.

The house lights fade to black and Unlocking The Truth take the stage to a screaming horde of Truth Seekers commissioned by the Metal Gods. For the next 45 minutes, the lads initiate phase one of their plan for world domination. It’s their night and everything goes down like an ice cold beer after a hard day’s night. Brickhouse and the gang come out of their offstage shells alive with songs like “Monster,” “Take Control” and the album’s title track, “Chaos.” Brickhouse sweeps away on various ESP guitars– an endorsement he’s absolutely ecstatic about while Atkins and Dawkins lay down the heavy semi-latin grooves that make for a strong musical core. They call for mosh pits – which on any other evening would already be in full swing, but with the amount of family and friends in their Sunday best (despite the actual day of the week) the demand goes mostly unheeded. A sign of respect for the maturing monsters of rock.

After a wildly energetic performance, the boys take the time to thank everyone in attendance for their support, tell jokes, goof around and even bring close friends onstage. The crowd roars their approval – the loudest being Brickhouse’s devoted father Tracey, who travels with the band and never misses a gig. As the house lights come back on, the boys celebrate their achievements with their adoring public.

“Our son is giving everything he has to reach his goals and make his dreams come true,” said Jackson.

As Unlocking The Truth take their leave, the joy in their eyes tells the whole story. Three rockers from Brooklyn with a vision who’s shared identity is not just a name – but a manifesto.

“I plan on doing this my entire life,” Brickhouse says. “It’s what I love. I can’t picture myself outside of making music. I don’t like school and I can’t have an office job.”

Manopera! Episode 20: MITB 2016 – Suspensions and Speculations

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In light of Roman Reigns’ shocking suspension, our hosts break down the former WWE Champion’s possible return scenarios, review Money in the Bank 2016 and continue to speculate on the upcoming brand split.

Spaceman Frank’s Money in the Bank 2016 Predictions

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Official Money in the Bank 2016 poster. Credit: WWE.com

by Frank Lucci

Oh Money in the Bank. Considered to be on the level or just below the Big Four Pay-Per-Views (Royal Rumble, WrestleMania, SummerSlam and Survivor Series), oftentimes the event is one big tease.

We get excited over who gets the Money in the Bank contract and will most likely get a run with the WWE World Heavyweight title, but considering how recent winners have fared when they’ve actually cashed in (Sheamus, Rollins, etc.) it’s been either a blessing or a curse depending on the Superstar. With a whopping ten matches scheduled for this year’s event, this could be a down year for the PPV. Nonetheless, Spaceman Frank is here to predict what will happen at Money in the Bank 2016.

MITB Kickoff: The Lucha Dragons vs. The Dudley Boyz

A recent edition to the pre-show will feature the Dudleys again being wasted on another meaningless and directionless feud with a team that frankly should have broken up once Kalisto won the United States Championship. Neither team has done much and with a sudden influx of tag teams (none of whom seem to be doing anything significant other than The New Day and Enzo and Cass) there is no reason to care about this match. Can we get a continued singles run for Kalisto please? The Dudley Boyz will pick up the win because they are the veteran team and are due for a victory.

The Golden Truth vs. Breezango

For whatever reason this feud is still a thing. While I’m all for lower card guys getting storylines to work with, this has been stretching out two weeks of plot devices in what has felt like three years. Fandango should replace the recently released Adam Rose in the Social Outcasts and Tyler Breeze might as well join The New Day since he is a regular on Xavier Woods’ UpUpDownDown YouTube channel. Meanwhile, The Golden Truth has some potential as a veteran tag team with oddball personalities, but they can’t even get into the Fatal Four Way for the tag belts because of this atrocious angle. Breezango wins because somebody has to win and it might as well be the super handsome guys.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Baron Corbin

On the plus side these guys have managed to get off the pre-show. On the negative side these guys are still stuck feuding. Either man could have spiced up the Money in the Bank ladder match, but instead we have to see the same match we’ve been watching since WrestleMania ended. Ziggler wins to finally end this and make him look strong in time for the brand split.

Apollo Crews vs. Sheamus

Yet another match featuring wrestlers thrown together with minimal story (at least this is a fresh pairing) because both men need something to do until the brand split. Crews has been getting the Breeze treatment since joining the main roster and Sheamus has done nothing even though he has a major role in the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. Rocksteady-err Sheamus wins because of said movie while Crews continues to just be happy he was invited to the party.

Charlotte and Dana Brooke vs. Natalya and Becky Lynch

Instead of having Charlotte defend her Womens Championship, she’s dealing with her new BFF Dana Brooke being a klutz of a partner while Nattie and Becky are just kind of there. Despite having a wide range of competitors to challenge for the title, this match exists as an extension of the never ending Charlotte vs. Nattie feud.

The WWE is currently very, very guilty of beating dead-horse storylines (see Ziggler and Corbin), maybe because the upcoming brand split but also probably due to laziness. Anyway, the Spaceman thinks Charlotte and Brooke pick up the win because Nattie can never have nice things.

The New Day (C) vs. The Club vs. Enzo and Cass vs. The Vaudevillians (Tag Team Championships Match)

This match should be pretty exciting based on the promos alone and each team can deliver in the ring. It would be nice if The New Day won out and carried the belts for a full year, but I don’t see that happening. Instead, The Club will walk away with the gold. For one, they’re the only tag team in the match without a fun side, making them a wildcard in this match. Second, with The New Day now as faces and the two recent NXT callups still finding their footing The Club is prime for a championship win. They need the titles to help make their group more legit and the epic New Day vs. Enzo and Cass feud that will eventually happen can take place without the championships being on the line.

Rusev (C) vs. Titus O’Neil (United States Championship Match)

An epic hoss fight, these two are capable of having a fun match that will probably be around seven minutes long. Many feared that O’Neil would be punished after his suspension, while others feared Rusev would be buried by a returning John Cena after his newfound title win.

Thankfully neither scenario seems to be the case. Rusev will keep the gold here, as I see this as a way for the WWE to test the waters on a Titus title run to see if he can take his awesome hot-tag fire and ignite a singles push. 

Then again, MITB takes place on Father’s Day. Would it not be a wonderful swerve if the WWE gave the 2015 Celebrity Dad of the Year award winner his first singles title instead of another tie?

Sami Zayn vs. Cesaro vs. Chris Jericho vs. Dean Ambrose vs. Kevin Owens vs. Alberto Del Rio (Money in the Bank Ladder Match)

The marquee matchup of this event has been hampered somewhat by the fact that one: we’ve seen all the competitors (especially Zayn, Owens and Cesaro) have matches against each other on every single Raw and SmackDown! in the past few weeks and two: it seems unrealistic that anybody besides Ambrose or Owens will win the match.

Ambrose has flirted with the main event scene since The Shield broke up and winning the briefcase could help him finally ascend to the next level. Owens fits the bill of the classic sneaky heel Money in the Bank winner who can cash in on a wounded babyface. Overall, Ambrose fits the bill best and needs the briefcase more than anyone else.

John Cena vs. AJ Styles

The WWE is fast-tracking this dream match, which I honestly thought would be a big-money SummerSlam encounter rather than a B PPV headliner. The battle between the two faces of two very different companies finally happens and people have been quick to assume that Cena will be the victor.

Both men have managed to sell this matchup solely on mic work and even more important we have not seen Cena job out The Club on Raw or SmackDown! (as he is known to do), thus preserving their status as game changers. Since this is the first encounter between the two icons, I see Styles taking this match for the OMG IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED pop (just like Owens’ clean win over the Cenation leader last year), leading to a bitter grudge match at SummerSlam.

Roman Reigns (C) vs Seth Rollins (WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match)
This match is heavily overshadowed by rumors that the top championship in the company will become two world titles due to the brand split. This is especially poignant considering that Rollins has been pretty justified in his rage towards Reigns, who he sees as an unworthy champion considering he never beat Rollins (who was forced to relinquish his title upon injury last year).

With the WWE continuously in a bind with Reigns as champ, having shenanigans occur during this match offers the company the chance to have their cake and eat it too. Some sort of DQ/non-finish will occur, giving WWE an excuse to split the titles and allow them to have Reigns be one champ while Rollins can hold the gold for the smark crowd on the secondary brand.

Manopera! Episode 19: NXT TakeOver – The End (Sort of)

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Chris and Spaceman Frank discuss NXT TakeOver: The End, Will Ospreay vs. Ricochet and the bizarre TNA Slammiversary angle between Matt and Jeff Hardy.

Bonesaw Podcast – Episode 35: Jess-O-Lantern

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Deep in the heart of New York City’s underground music scene lies a spooky songstress known as Jess-O-Lantern. In this episode, Jess talks her humble musical beginnings, the unique line of work she’s in and much more.

Check out Jess-O-Lantern on Bandcamp and FaceBook.

Spaceman Frank’s NXT TakeOver: The End Predictions

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by Frank Lucci

Despite the ominous title, the newest NXT TakeOver live event special is not the end of the highly praised series – but it does have some finality hanging over it.

With many of the top NXT talent already on the main roster and several more possibly leaving NXT for Raw or SmackDown! when the brand split occurs in July, this may be the last TakeOver event with some of the classic NXT talents people first latched onto when WWE first began having live specials for the developmental brand.

Here are Spaceman Frank’s predictions for NXT Takeover: The End.

Andrade “Cien” Almas vs. Tye Dillinger

Poor Tye Dillinger. Despite having lots of crowd support and a marketable gimmick, the poor guy lives just to put over new talent. With so many of the old NXT guard on the main roster, would a push for “The Perfect Ten” be too much to ask?

His opponent, the former La Sombra, has been working NXT live events (as well as a dark match at NXT Takeover: Dallas) and has received rave reviews from live audiences. Random side note: I like that Andrade has “Cien” as a nickname instead of being “Cien Almas. ” As much fun as No Way Jose is, it’s hard to take him seriously with no real name. In addition, it’s rumored that Almas is going to be heavily featured in the Cruiserweight Classic this summer, so it’s pretty clear that he’s going to beat Dillinger.

America Alpha (C) vs. The Revival (NXT Tag Team Championships match)

This matchup is a big toss-up. For one, champs American Alpha are super over with the crowd and have routinely handled The Revival at live events. However, the champions are frequently discussed as the next tag team to jump to the main roster, so they could easily lose the titles and then move on. The Revival are a better version of the now broken up Blake and Murphy and shine as the talented yet generic heel tag team that make good diabolical champs. It’s time for a two time champion in NXT and The Revival will reclaim their belts so Jordan and Gable can make their leap forward.

Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Austin Aries

The big new dream match for The End sees the two men who debuted at NXT Takeover: Dallas clash and have an unofficial number one contenders match for the NXT Championship.

Nakamura can do no wrong at Full Sail as the crowd pops big time whenever his theme song hits. Meanwhile, Aries has the crowd begging for his heel turn; as A Double would be the perfect bad guy to slide into the main event picture. The big question here is if Aries turns on the live special or if he saves it for NXT’s weekly programming. I’m predicting Nakamura wins clean here, causing Aries to descend into madness later – making Swagsuke look good while the cameras are live.

Asuka (C) vs. Nia Jax (NXT Women’s Championship Match)

First teased at Takeover: London, this match is brimming with potential.

Asuka was able to take down Bayley, but can she handle a motivated Jax who’s been taking down every other woman on the NXT roster? Conspicuous in her absence is former champ Bayley, who (kayfabe) was injured by Jax and thus unable to get her rematch. It seems blasphemous to leave Bayley out of a TakeOver, as NXT could have easily added more drama or intrigue by having this be a triple threat or having Bayley be the guest referee. By having her out it seems plain as day that Asuka hangs on to her title so the two can have their big rematch in front of the much larger NXT Takeover: Brooklyn crowd while Jax gets valuable reps so she can be NXT’s next big heel.

Samoa Joe (C) vs Finn Balor (Steel Cage Match for the NXT Championship)

The fourth and (probably) final match  between these former friends is sure to be memorable. When it was assumed this feud was played out, NXT pulled a shocker when Joe won the NXT Championship at an untelevised show. Instead of having Balor immediately jump to the main roster to join his mates in The Club, he’s been showing more fire than ever in trying to reclaim the gold.

Joe has been perfect on the microphone as champ and I’m sure WWE wishes they could give their main roster champion Roman Reign’s half the ability this Samoan has. Throw in not only a rare stipulation but the first-ever NXT cage match at Full Sail and this could be a classic feud finisher that has been sorely lacking in this age of 50/50 WWE booking.

Both men deserve to make it to the main roster ASAP, but I see Joe retaining so WWE can begin hyping Balor coming to the main roster and Joe can lay down the groundwork for a match with Nakamura that will be so heavy Iron Maiden will write a concept album about it.

F*ck Mondays! Episode 17: The Flash, Arrow and Apocalypse Want Lesnar

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Chris and Jon are back to talk about The Flash and Arrow finales, the breaking news about Brock Lesnar’s UFC return and break down X-Men: Apocalypse.

This episode is dedicated to the memory of Muhammad Ali.

WARNING: Spoilers

Spaceman Frank Special Report: Matt and Jeff Hardy TNA Slammiversary Contract Signing – The Movie!

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by Frank Lucci

I don’t follow TNA, but still keep up with the various going-ons within the company (mostly to see the latest “LOLTNA” moments that they’ve become synonymous with).

On the latest episode of Impact we got perhaps the best example of why the company is subject to so many “going out of business” rumors. This Tuesday night, we got the epic mini movie for the contract signing between Matt and Jeff Hardy – a piece of cinema so great they put out a director’s cut for those needing to see even more of the intense Hardy acting. Naturally, Spaceman Frank could not help but deliver a blow-by-blow of this masterpiece.

– To kick things off we get opening shots of the Matt Hardy estate, one of which includes a sweeping crane overhead (Isn’t TNA broke? Did they spend their evening’s budget on this or did they just hire one of the Hardy’s friends to climb a tree with a camcorder? Also, who is the director of this movie? I suspect his name rhymes with Shmatt Shmardy).

– Seth Rollins’ dad welcomes us to MTV Cribs! Oh wait, it’s just a rough (and I do mean rough. Don’t do drugs or fall off ladders, kids!) Matt Hardy stepping out of his McMansion – complete with white picket front patio. The house and reality TV establishing shots totally do not line up with the sweeping orchestral score and Matt’s Hot Topic pirate garb.

– Matt invites “all of you, plus the world and Brother Nero,” here in an opening narration while he stands on his walkway making random faces with his arms up (Doesn’t the world pretty much count for everyone already Matt? Or is “all of us” the 33,000 plus people who have watched this YouTube clip?). Halfway through the narration it switches to Matt actually talking (probably due to a passing truck honking its horn during the first part of the speech). Did I mention Matt went from sounding like a good ole boy to putting on a faux posh accent for this movie? Now that’s ka-rayy-zyy!!!

– Jeff Hardy is riding his dirt bike around his admittedly sweet looking property (and smaller McMansion) before driving up to Matt’s (Two questions here. One: Are dirt bikes road legal, or this this how we figure out that Jeff is a rebel? And two: FOR GOD’S SAKE, WHERE THE HELL IS YOUR HELMET JEFF!?). Here come more crane shots of Jeff driving with a heavy metal soundtrack as he pulls up to Matt’s house, which hilariously has a big “H” on the front gate like he’s fucking Batman.

– Reby Sky (Matt’s wife) is there to meet Jeff, who mumbles something about it being a trap. Sky doesn’t have time for that though, because Matt is acting ka-rayy-zyy and she’s getting the hell out of here. Jeff is super upset about this, despite the fact that she’s getting her infant son out of the way of a “crazy” guy and is actually being a responsible human being. Jeff storms into the building, where Matt is playing piano – the craziest of all instruments (besides the piccolo). Matt gives another monologue about how this is not about the contract signing, but about how Jeff needs to see that Matt is solely responsible for the success of the Hardys (because it was Matt’s daredevil antics and good looks that lead to him becoming WWE Champion and having an amazing feud with CM Punk…oh wait…).

– Jeff responds by shouting a whole bunch (you know, to add drama). Honestly, despite Matt’s accent changing roughly every scene he’s a better actor than Jeff because he’s at least trying. Tommy…err, Matt decides that to settle this once and for all, the contract signing for their match at Slammiversary needs to happen at “the sanctuary of our genesis” aka an old ring in a barn. Epic music plays as Matt walks to the barn and stops to say hi to his gardener, which makes me immediately flash back to this infamous scene from “The Room” (below). Jeff ignores the gardener, most likely because he keeps getting smash-cut to different places.

– Matt’s in the middle of the ring, until Jeff storms the barn. As Jeff gets close enough to the squared circle Matt attempts to roll out of the ring but clearly has trouble doing so. Matt looks less than graceful here, especially with the contract and his coat flopping around audibly in the massive barn. A conveniently placed table is next to the ring and is literally the only other thing in this room. Matt signs the contract, but Jeff wants to get it on with “Big Money Matt” and his “sarcastic ass.” Anyway, the camera does a 360-degree shot of the two (or at least attempts it before the cameraman realizes he can’t go all the way around the brothers with the table being too close to the ring and then he just kind of starts going the other way). TNA: Combining immaculate storytelling with quality camera work for 14 years.

– Things get taken up another notch on the ka-rayy-zyy scale as Sky comes back and throws Jeff her baby, but it’s a fake (OH LAWD, SOMEBODY CALL SNITSKY!!!). Matt then blast Jeff from behind with some sort of green bottle – in this massive barn where we just established was completely empty aside from a wrestling ring and a table with a contract on it. This leads to the epic climax where Jeff takes a Side Effect off the ring apron onto the table – in slow motion. Honestly, the bump looks painful as the ground is concrete and the table is a regular roundtable that just breaks at the base instead of in half; but the slow motion effect kills this moment. Matt recovers and declares that “Brother Nero is over” as we fade to black.

Final thoughts: Wow…just wow. I really want to know whose idea this was. They could have filmed this at the Impact Zone on the cheap and it would have been much better. Smash style editing, hokey music, hammy acting and a nonsensical story makes this a hallmark of TNA badness. At this point, I’ve had my fill of TNA for the rest of year but chances are I’ll see Dixie Carter and company in 2017 when we get the sequel they’ll claim we “demanded.”

Trailer Feedback: Five Nights at Freddy’s – Sister Location

Heere’s Baby.

Set in what looks more like a facility than a family restaurant, Five Nights at Freddy’s: Sister Location will contain at least four new haunted animatronics guaranteed to give you nightmares. There’s the ringmistress Baby, Funtime Foxy (who is possibly a hybrid of Foxy and the Mangle characters from the original series), Funtime Freddy (sporting a Springtrap puppet on his right hand) and the twisted ballerina Ballora – who’s eyes never appear to open.

The trailer for the FNAF spinoff begins with a cold open as the words “Fear, panic, dread and terror deep below ground where memories sleep. Anger is restless and secrets don’t keep” appear alongside flashing images of the beloved survival-horror franchise’s past installments. We are introduced to possibly new gameplay mechanics as the room/elevator descends into madness before divulging into a vent before we get a load of Baby and her nightmarish clan.

Creepy music ensues before presumably Baby utters the phrases “Don’t hold it against us. You don’t know what we’ve been through” at the trailers end.

The demented cat known as Sister Location was semi-let out of the bag in the second FNAF World update ending, which was released May 13th (which of course, fell on a Friday). During the ending, the player finds  FNAF creator Scott Cawthon at a desk explaining that he’s created something terrible and that her name is Baby. The lights dim, glowing eyes appear in the corner and when the lights come back on, Cawthon is found lying in a pool of his own blood.

This Fall, gamers and horror enthusiasts alike will uncover the terrifying reasons why nobody puts Baby in a corner.