by Connor Frontera
Ronnie Shellist recently posted a video to his YouTube Channel (above) discussing the top 10 issues harmonica players face and how to solve them. Connor goes through all 10 issues Shellist highlights and adds some of his own thoughts to offer as much positive advice he could.
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by Anthony Carioscia
Saturday was the most interesting day at this year’s Maryland Deathfest, not just because of the lineup, but because of the day leading up to it as well.
Matt’s friend Dave came into our room as well as his friends Chris and Ricky. We went for dinner at a place called Dick’s Last Resort. It was a cool place where the staff would – in addition to insult the customers – yell at them, throw stuff, give them all hats with insults on them. The waiter asked who was here for the DeathFest, then blasted Venom on his phone while headbanging and thrusting (not making this up). After we laughed and ate their great food, we headed to the venue and ran into Dave from Nucleus.
Uada
The first band I wanted to see for the day was Portland black metallers, Uada. The band is normally criticized for sounding too much like MGLA, but I think they are a fun little band and their performance was top-notch.
Goolagoon
I was very curious to see this Spongebob-themed punk band. Once you get past the gimmick, they are actually a pretty decent punk band and live they were loaded with energy.
Exhumed
This was my fourth time seeing Exhumed, but they are never boring live. This was no different as they had a great set list and their over the top horror stage show was great like always.
Exumer
I am a fan of the band’s debut Possessed by Fire but nothing after that. However, I was still curious to see Exumer. They played some songs of the first album but just seemed boring live.
Root
Along with Insect Warfare, Root were the band I was most excited to see. I had requested for Root to play since 2014, so it was nice to see them finally get added. They played a nice mix of their early black metal stuff and their later heavy metal stuff and sounded great. Big Boss’s voice was spot on and their stage setup was fun. They ended their set with the iconic “Pisen Pro Satana.”
Grave
Next up were Swe-death masters Grave. I didn’t watch too much of their set due to not wanting to miss a second of Insect Warfare but they played a nice old-school set from what I saw and sounded great.
Insect Warfare
I went over to the Soundstage for the band that made me buy my ticket. Insect Warfare is one of my favorite grindcore bands and I was glad I finally got to see them. Their energy was unbeatable with an insane pit full of people crowd surfing, slipping on beer, and someone even threw a trash can into the pit. The singer had tons of over the top banter such as threatening those who bootleg his shirts. This was without a doubt the best set and best day of the fest. After them, we called it a night and headed back to the hotel.
by Frank Lucci
The world is focused on “Money” Mayweather announcing that his fight with Conor Mcgregor, but wrestling fans have Money in the Bank to look forward to instead.
Overall the card will be better than anything those two can put on, but WWE has been pushing fan’s patience with some terrible TV. It is like the closer the company gets to a live special the more they fall apart creatively. Throw in the massive hype for Brock Lesnar vs Samoa Joe and fans are looking past this PPV hard. Despite everything though WWE PPV’s are better watches than Raw or Smackdown Live, and there is going to be some (JBL three beers in voice) “HISTORY MADE HERE TONIGHT, TOM” as we get our first women’s Money in the Bank match. I’m Spaceman Frank and here are my Money in the Bank 2017 predictions!
The Hype Bros vs. The Colons (Preshow Box Social Funtime Hoopla Tag Team Doritios Pizza Rolls Match)
Zack Ryder is back in the most Zack Ryder way possible: coming back one week before the PPV for a preshow tag team match.
While he seemed to have some sort of push planned with his comeback videos on Youtube, instead he gets a nothing match with his buddy Mojo “ All Gojo” (feel free to send me a check for that one WWE) Rawley who can be seen taking sad selfies with his Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal trophy on Instagram (Hey kids remember when he beat our current champ Jinder Mahal with the help of Gronk?! WWE doesn’t!).
The Colons have somehow even less momentum, so I predict a whole bunch of nothing. Hype Bros win because somebody has to win and it might as well be those spunky lads.
The Usos (C) vs. The New Day (WWE Smackdown Tag Team Championship)
Everything on the main card is for a title or a Money in the Bank briefcase, which helps make every match feel important. However, it has been awhile since The New Day have had a major PPV match that mattered, as they seem to fart along in promo segments when the chips are truly down (IE Wrestlemania). Meanwhile The Usos are doing fine as champs, but have been overshadowed by Breezango’s (where are they anyway?) pretaped segments. I think WWE will give The New Day a run with the belt eventually, but that feels more like a match for a bigger show like Summerslam. Plus, the Usos should get the initial win via shenanigans to preserve their heel status and look more credible against all the jokey tag teams that dominate Smackdown.
Naomi (C) vs. Lana (WWE Smackdown Women’s Championship)
The only active women on Smackdown not in the Money in the Bank match (where are you Nikki Bella?) sees Naomi being challenged versus longtime manager/ master of maybe one move Lana. I think the time for Lana to transition into a wrestler has come and gone, and to immediately give her a title show sends off red flags for me. Rumor is this came about due to WWE wanting to have the Eva Marie push sans the (probably) gone redhead, so Lana gets the spot. She is not the one to pull it off, since she is way more popular than Eva Marie ever was, while at the same time Naomi is not the person to face off against her. If you want the Eva Marie stuff to work you need somebody the snarkier fans will rally behind like Bayley rather than the middle of the road Namoi. Namoi really has not done much since winning the belt back, but there is no way WWE has Lana take her out in her first match unless she secretly is a fantastic wrestler. Naomi wins in a five minute nothing match.
Becky Lynch vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Natalya vs. Tamina vs. Carmella (Money in the Bank Ladder Match)
Fan booking for this match has been more interesting than the build for this, along with many of the other recent news coming out of the women’s division. Between the first official (and rumored) entrants into the Mae Young Classic, plus the potential new Smackdown signings and NXT matches happening and this has been overshadowed quickly despite the history being made. Here are my rankings for who will win the briefcase on Sunday, from least likely to most likely.
Tamina- Has very little momentum, and while I think heels have more of a shot in these things she barely qualifies as a heel with the poor reaction she garners. I think she has a role to play on Smackdown, but she needs to get some wins to look like any sort of threat.
Becky Lynch- While she somehow has retained most of her popularity despite being booked like she has been hit in the head with an air conditioner unit moments before wrestling, it does not fit her character to cash in on someone. Thankfully Bayley has firmly taken the idiot ball from Lynch since Extreme Rules. Becky could be a good heel, but with a thin roster of women WWE needs a babyface they can depend on. She will do some cool spots, but if she does a disarmer on top of the ladder I will give out on her on Manopera. Submissions on ladders is one of my major kayfabe breaking spots in wrestling.
Carmella- The Princess of Staten Island has been gaining some steam online from those who think WWE will give her the briefcase, so that they can begin building her up as a major player in the division. While I do not mind if she wins the briefcase, paints it with leopard spots, and makes Ellsworth carry it around for her, I still think she is not ready to be anywhere near the title.
Charlotte-While being a decorated champion and probably better than 3/5ths of the women in this match combined, WWE seems determined to make her a face. It would not make sense for her to be able to cash in anytime, especially since we all know she could just declare herself number one contender and Shane Mcmahon would agree. Plus, the chances of Flair hitting a crazy moonsault off the ladder and crashing through the table to take herself out of the match is roughly at 90%.
Natalya- While there is no chatter about Nattie Ice winning, I think it makes the most sense here. Nattie has been away from the title scene for ages despite carrying the division through some dark times, and it is time for her to get a push. She still cannot cut a promo without sounding like an extra from a church production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat she can put on a good match. Bitter Natalya getting the briefcase and cashing in to remind the WWE who is the best there is would be a good move.
Kevin Owens vs. AJ Styles vs. Baron Corbin vs. Sami Zayn vs. Dolph Ziggler vs. Shinsuke Nakamura (Money in the Bank Ladder Match)
Not much to say about the build to this match, other than WWE has tried to get the crowds to have equal amounts of apathy towards everyone involved. Here is the power rankings for winners of this match, from least to most likely.
Dolph Ziggler-Ziggler is here because it would be weird if he was not, but I would believe I was winning Money in the Bank over Dolph.
AJ Styles- Similar to Charlotte Flair, I think AJ is going to get title opportunities regardless if he wins here or not. He already is very established and the crowd is quite taken with him, so he does not need the briefcase to add to his appeal. He also has a feud with Owens on the backburner that he can go back to once this PPV is over. I will laugh if he continues to get his foot stuck in things just when he is starting to get close to winning.
Shinsuke Nakamura- Not sure what WWE is trying to do with Shinsuke on Smackdown. He is still wildly over with crowds, but portraying him as just some weird Japanese man who struggled to put away Ziggler last PPV is not what anybody expected. He could win the briefcase to add some actual mystery to “The Artist,” but I cannot see WWE pulling the trigger on him so soon when he has not had any sort of big moment since his debut. Dream match with Cena at Summerslam please.
Sami Zayn- People seem to think that Zayn may win the belt, be a goody two shoes and announce he will cash in well in advance. I do not buy it. A Sami push would be lots of fun, but I see him having to climb the ranks and grab the US title well before WWE considers putting him into the main event. Plus I can 100% seen Owens reminding us of their fight forever feud and destroying Zayn just for the lulz
Baron Corbin- It seems as though everyone is banking on Corbin to win here, and it would be a fine way to show that WWE has faith in the Lone Wolf. It would fit his character, and WWE has given him enough big moments that fans will buy him invading the main event scene at some point. I do not think he is quite a main eventer yet, but he could be very soon. I just wish he would cut his rapidly retreating hair and go for a more skinhead look.
Kevin Owens- Take everything I said about Corbin cashing in Money in the Bank and double it for Owens. Sure, he has already been champ, but just imagine Owens with the briefcase stalking the champ and being on commentary every time the champ has a match. He would be a perfect Mr. Money in the Bank, and WWE knows they can rely on him if a main eventer gets hurt or if Jinder starts to struggle.
Jinder Mahal (C) vs. Randy Orton (WWE Championship Match)
The rematch you did not know you wanted but WWE is giving to you anyway!
While I think Rusev should have gotten in this match back when he called for a shot at the belt at Money in the Bank, Jinder is doing far better as champ than anyone predicted. WWE somehow is pulling off booking him well, as the individual fans can easily decide if they want to cheer or boo him depending on their own thoughts.
This nuance has been missing in WWE for so long, and his popularity in social media and Youtube definitely helps him out. Meanwhile Orton continues to act like he is on horse tranquilizers, and I think his lack of effort has given Mahal some fans. I think Mahal will win, and I think he has put in enough work to warrant it (something I would have never predicted I would say).
My big fear is Cena returns (on July 4th no less), declares himself number one contender because something something AMERICA and Jinder turns into a caticure. Then he beats Jinder and ruins him forever while become a record breaking 17 time champ because “BALD EAGLES AND PURPLE MOUNTAINS MAJESTY, MAGGLE!”
When the Iron Maiden tickets at the Prudential Center went on sale, I was given a pre-sale code from a friend. I instantly bought one as ‘Maiden is one of my all-time favorite bands.
The day came and I went with Birdman of Roargh to Newark, NJ to see these amazing Brits play with none other than Ghost opening (this would be my third time seeing Ghost and my second time seeing ‘Maiden, Birdman’s first time for each band). We got inside then met up with two of Birdman’s Jersey area friends. At around 7:45 the show started.
Ghost
Ghost seems to get mixed reactions in the metal world and I’m one who has been a decent-sized fan since I first heard their demo. I had caught them once at MDF 2011 and then again three years later at The Chance. Both times they put on a great show and this time wasn’t any different. They played a set of great tracks including “Year Zero,” “Cirice,” “Ritual,” and “Monstrance Clock.”
Iron Maiden
I had not seen Iron Maiden since 2012 at Jones Beach with Alice Cooper and I was overdue for another.
The band played a set that was mostly for their latest album,The Book of Souls – which is great. In addition to the new tunes, they also played many classics such as “The Trooper(which sounded beyond amazing),” “Wrathchild, “Iron Maiden,” and “Children of the Damned.”
They encored with “The Number of the Beast,” “Blood Brothers,” and “Wasted Years.” Their sound was phenomenal, proving that they’ll never lose their touch. After the show, Birdman and I got the hell out of Newark and were glad we got to go to this amazing show.
After Thursday’s events, Matt and I woke up the next morning, which I felt had one of the most interesting line ups.
We hung around the hotel until around 2 p.m. and walked down to the venue. Outside I met up with Jason and Nicole, then went into Rams Head to catch Skeletal Remains.
Skeletal Remains
Out of all these newer old-school death metal throwbacks, Skeletal Remains is one of my favorites. Their sound is blatantly old-school Florida death metal-inspired while still maintaining their own memorable riffs and songs. They sounded great live and made for an awesome warm up act.
Organ Dealer
After getting great food at Chicken Rico and hanging out with Nick and Cheyenne, we walked in to see Organ Dealer. I remember when Organ Dealer were just some local level band who would play shows with BillXNye. It was nuts to see them play to a larger crowd and as expected, they delivered.
Morbid Saint
After Organ Dealer I headed back to Rams Head for to watch thrash legends Morbid Saint. I had been a fan of these guys since tenth grade, so I was glad to finally see them. They sounded great and the track “Assassin” was phenomenal live.
Sargiest
After Morbid Saint was one of the bands I was most stoked for and one of my favorite black metal bands, Sargiest. Like most black metal bands, they had an occult setup on their stage and it looked great. The venue’s sound was perfect for the guitarists signature riffs and atmosphere.
Gost
Gost were one of the bands I was most excited for as well and also the band I was most curious about since I never saw a synthwave act live. Gost had one of the most violent pits I have seen at this fest as well as plenty of people dancing awkwardly. The set was mostly instrumental and their stage presence fit the atmosphere of their set well.
Stormtroopers of Beer
After Gost I headed to sound stage to catch SOB (a Stormtroopers of Death cover band consisting of S.OD. member Dan Lilker and General Surgery’s Jocke, Kenneth and Adde). As much as I love S.O.D’s debut, I wasn’t in a rush to catch this version of the band as it lacked iconic vocalist Billy Milano. I got there and caught the last 15 or so minutes of their set – including my favorite S.O.D track, “Pussywhipped.”
Noothgrush
At MDF 2014 I skipped Noothgrush’s set due to a conflict with Unleashed, so I was glad I got another chance to see them. They played an awesome, slow and heavy set, and best of all, bashed Visas during their banter.
Vader
I headed back to Rams Head to catch one of the bands I was dying to see, Vader. These Polish legends were one of my first-ever death metal bands so I knew I needed to see them. The band played their first album The Ultimate Incantation in its entirety. The tracks all sounded great and the band had one brutal pit. It felt so great to hear a band you grew up with kill it live.
Autopsy
The last band of Friday was Autopsy, the band I wanted to see most of all. Jason and I sat at the highest part of Rams Head as we needed to see every second of this set. They took forever to set up (leaving us in suspense), but once they started it was magic. “Fleshcrawl,” “Torn From the Womb,” “Voices” and all kinds of awesome tracks were played. This was the perfect way to end the night and Autopsy remained one of the best of the fest.
When Memorial Day Weekend reared its ugly head, it was time for yet another Maryland DeathFest (MDF).
While this year the Edison Lot was sadly gone, it still had a very good line up and the convenience of the two remaining venues being right next to each other. The day came and I got on a bus to New York City, met up with my friend Matt and we then both left to Baltimore. When we got to our hotel we dropped off our luggage, then headed to the venue. On the way to the fest we met up with some cool people, including this girl who came all the way from Chile. When I got there some sludge band called North was playing.
North
I had never heard of these guys until I got in the venue and from watching them, I was kind of glad I hadn’t. This band played boring cut and paste sludge – not the best way to start the fest.
SubRosa
Next up were SubRosa, who I was excited to see. I always loved their sludge meets violin sound. Their set wiped the bland taste North left out of my mouth. SubRosa had great atmosphere and really took advantage of the Ram’s Head stage’s awesome sound.
Conan
I had seen Conan play two years ago on the same day and stage and it was pretty damn good. Like before, they were great, heavy and crushing live.
Acid King
The stoner legends Acid King were up next and while they aren’t my favorite in that subgenre, there was no denying they put on an awesome performance.
Cryptopsy
After Acid King finished up I ran over to Soundstage, where Decrepit Birth was finishing up their set. After watching them do an awesome cover of Death’s “Crystal Mountain,” Cryptopsy got on stage. Here I ran into my friends Nick and Cheyenne as we were ready to watch them play all of their 1996 album None So Vile.
They started their set with three really bad, newer songs which caused Nick and Chey to leave. Once they left the band started playing None So Vile in order. This improved the set greatly even if the Matt McGachy was no Lord Worm. The pit was also as insane as it was fun to watch that carnage unfold. After Cryptopsy the two of us headed back to the hotel to get ready for day two.
The boys review the glorious Wonder Woman movie (with spoilers). Jon recounts his recent plane ride from hell, courtesy of Delta Airlines.
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by Frank Lucci
Extreme Rules feels like the first proper Pay-Per-View for Raw after WrestleMania, as the previous Raw exclusive PPV, Payback, featured no mention of the Universal title nor did it have an Intercontinental title match. This PPV rectifies this somewhat, and it also has the advantage of not having a House of Horrors match thrown in as well (hopefully). Extreme Rules also does not have an NXT: TakeOver to compete with as well, or more specifically, WWE UK wrestlers to compete with.
Despite all these positives, there is most definitely an air of doubt surrounding this event, as Raw has continued to punish those brave enough to watch all three hours (I wonder what the crossover demographic numbers is for Raw fans and snuff films is). There is some decent action that could and should take place on this card, but if the matches are as painful as the buildup to them, the Spaceman may not be able to fight his allergy pill and watch Extreme Rules in segments. I’m Spaceman Frank and here are my Extreme Rules 2017 predictions.
Rich Swann and Sasha Banks vs. Alicia Fox and Noam Dar
This match is a positive in my book because it takes three people (plus Alicia Fox) and gives them something to do and a spotlight to showcase why they deserve to be on a higher level. Banks has lost all momentum since WrestleMania, and it seems like a distant fever dream when Swann was Cruiserweight champion. They will make a good team, and if this is what they need to do to get TV time and get over I am all for it.
Fox is a steady but unspectacular hand in the ring, but Dar deserves more of a spotlight. He is very young but one of my boys from before the CWC, so I am praying to the Cruiserweight Gods he gets more than this. Throw him in with Neville and TJP and form a power stable on 205 Live since there’s precious little room for heels on the show not affiliated with the King of the Cruiserweights. Based on popularity alone, I think Banks wins it for her team.
Neville (c) vs. Austin Aries (Submission Match for WWE Cruiserweight Championship)
These two have held down Raw PPV’s since ‘Mania, and once again I think this may be a bright spot on a lackluster card. The stipulation works well for both these men, but having Neville tap to Aries the week before this match was flat out stupid (WWE knows when this happens people expect the winner to lose on the PPV, right?).
I get the feeling the live crowds are starting to catch on that Cruiserweight matches are usually much more exciting than much of the filler on Raw, but again with the show so hard to watch that is like being proud that you hopped over a puddle on the sidewalk.
Aries deserves a run with the belt with all the excellent work he has done to make me forget what a natural heel he is, but Neville is just too good at being bad to drop it. Also again, he tapped out once already (WWE we get it, you have one play in the go-home show playbook. It does not work. We all know what a loss before the PPV means).
Alexa Bliss (c) v.s Bayley (Kendo Stick on a Pole Match for WWE Raw’s Women’s Championship)
Women climbing a pole to get at another pole, did Vince Russo write this?
What the heck has happened to two of my favorite women’s wrestlers??? Bliss was an all-star on SmackDown, and Bayley went from NXT’s John Cena (Joan Cena?) in NXT to a supreme doofus on Raw.
The only positive thing about this feud thus far is Bliss really whacking the hell out of her opponents with the kendo stick, but really it is time to retire the “on a pole” stipulation. Seeing people fart around one corner of the ring for a random object is dull, and it is time to think of something to replace it (I vote for a “Find the Kendo Stick in a Box Under the Ring Match” or a “Kendo Stick Tied to a Greased Pig Match.”). Anyway, Bliss wins because Bayley would not go nuts whacking her opponent with a foreign object due to her pure-hearted nature.
Dean Ambrose (c) vs. The Miz (Intercontinental Championship Match – Ambrose can lose the belt via disqualification )
Hey, kids! Do you know what’s more extreme than tables, ladders, and chairs? Rules!
No clue why of all PPVs, WWE pulls this type of match out at Extreme Rules. It fits the character of The Miz, but do we really expect Ambrose to be so stupid that he loses the belt this way? If anything, WWE should have had this be a no-DQ match where Dean clobbers the Miz, Miz complains that he would win in a regular match and makes this match happen at (sigh) Great Balls of Fire. I think Dean walks away with the belt because he is still a solid number two option as the champion to make up for the lack of a Universal champion on TV, plus both men need somebody new to set their sights on.
The Hardy Boyz (c) vs. Sheamus and Cesaro (WWE Raw Tag Team Championship Cage match)
Sheamus and Cesaro have a new fire under them now that they are heels, and their brutal dissection of the Hardys during and after their previous match has me invested in seeing what happens.
Will Jeff dive off the cage? Yes. Will he lose another tooth? Maybe. Will Cesaro swing the entire cage structure in a fit of dizzy rage? Probably. But the biggest question of all: Will Matt get broken? That question will haunt every Hardy feud until they actually pull the trigger (and they will), so while I will watch his PPV matches looking for any and all clues towards him going berserk, overall it does detract from the story being told in the ring.
I am curious what a heel Ces-mus (Sheamaro???) title run would look like, but I think the Hardys still can run up and down the country getting that nostalgia money for a few months more. Jeff throws himself off the cage to get the win.
Roman Reigns vs. Samoa Joe vs. Finn Balor vs. Bray Wyatt vs. Seth Rollins (Fatal Five-Way Extreme Rules Match for the Universal Championship Number One Contendership)
WWE has finally figured out that, if the Universal Champion cannot be bothered to show up at every PPV, then they should build around who gets the next crack at him. I like this match on paper, and seeing who gets their hands of Borkin’ Heck Lesnar next is far more exciting than anything else, especially with the five men selected. The big downside I have for this match is the rumors that whoever gets a shot at Brock at (sigh) Great Balls of Fire will be one and done since Braun Stroman will be back before SummerSlam. Here is my breakdown of who I think is going to win, from least likely to most likely:
5. Finn Balor – He has had the most hype, even having Paul Heyman put him over. WWE obviously sees money in this matchup, so to have him taken out by Brock and then passed over with little hype is in bad taste. I think this match will set up the Finn-Wyatt feud hinted at before rather than wasting a money matchup on (sigh) Great Balls of Fire.
4. Samoa Joe – Again, Joe vs. Brock is a money matchup and something not to be wasted as a holdover for Braun. These two behemoths squaring off is my biggest dream match of the current roster, and when Jim Cornette on Table for 3 suggested Joe vs. Brock in a submission match at the next WrestleMania, I flipped out. Make Joe look strong here and keep him there for when it is time for the monsters to be unleashed.
3. Bray Wyatt – The feud that almost happened could very well happen here, as Wyatt is WWE’s answer to every top star who needs a throwaway feud. But Jesus man, there is no way WWE can keep kicking Wyatt when he is down. He was WWE Champion earlier in the year before the Orton feud and House of Horrors debacle undid everything his big win did for him. He and Finn take each other out to set up their feud which will probably see Wyatt lose in the end.
2. Seth Rollins – One of two men to have a match with The Beast before saw their previous encounter act as a sideshow to Undertaker’s return. A plucky babyface Rollins vs. Brock is interesting, especially if he shows more fight than when he was the cowardly champ. I can see Rollins taking an absolute beating but refusing to die, rehabbing his image in the process. Yet, he has too much history with too many men in the ring to win. Therefore…
1. Roman Reigns – WWE will have their cake and eat it too. WWE wants Reigns to be a top guy, so they will drum Reigns in here to setup the WrestleMania 31 rematch we have not gotten yet. This will fulfill WWE management’s desire to give Roman a big push, while letting Brock have an opponent he can demolish before Braun takes over. WWE wins, the people win due to Reigns immediately being out of the spotlight after (sigh) Great Balls of Fire, and the other men in the match win by avoiding the big job to Brockjack Horsner. Then Strowman vs. Lesnar for the Universal championship can headline SummerSlam…unless Braun costs Brock the belt and they fight each other while Reigns carries the belt into SummerSlam…OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE???
Come 2020, the Iron Sheik will be looking to make America humble again.
The WWE Hall of Famer shocked the world Wednesday when he announced via Twitter that he too will be joining his fellow sports entertainer turned megastar Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in the next Presidential election.
“FUCK THE PRESIDENT TRUMP!” he tweeted. “BEFORE HE NICE GUY! NOW HE BIG DOUCHEBAG! I MAKE HIM HUMBLE!!! #SHEIK2020.”
To guarantee the internet’s implosion, Rocky responded to the Sheik’s promise.
“Much love/congrats 2 @the_ironsheik! Looking forward 2 tagging w/ #Sheikybaby in the #2020Election!”
When asked which party he would run with, Sheik has decided to go Independent, not just because he loves indy fans, but also because yellow is his favorite color. “It remind me of home and WWF World Heavyweight Championship belt,” he told The Bonesaw.
Shiek has also decided to make his party’s mascot a camel because of his intense pride for his Iranian culture (it’s also his favorite animal). “IRON SHEIK: NUMBER ONE! CAMEL: NUMBER ONE! ELEPHANT AND DONKEY? HUACK, PTOO” he yelled in delight. “ONLY THE ROCK THE REAL! ALL OTHER CANDIDATE JABRONI! FUCK THE KANYE, TOO!”
Other than serving the Shah of Iran in his youth, the Sheik has no political experience – possibly even less than President Trump. With that said, he knows exactly how he’s going to win the 2020 Presidency.
“I SUPLEX THEM, I PUT THEM IN THE CAMEL CLUTCH, I BREAK ALL THEIR FUCKING BACKS! I MAKE THEM HUMBLE!”
When asked if this is actually some kind of elaborate hoax in order to gain traction, the Sheik responded by suplexing our reporter and putting them in the Camel Clutch. Our reporter is now in critical condition at Mt. Kayfabe Memorial Hospital with a broken back and has since been terminated for upsetting a WWE legend and future Presidential candidate.
Another May meant another set of dates to look forward to.
That set of May dates in question being Memorial Day Weekend’s Maryland Deathfest and the Hudson Horror Show’s 15th outing a week prior.
This year had an awesome line up of Frankenhooker, Slaughterhouse, the traditional mystery film, Nightmare on Elm Street 3, The Hidden, and Piranha.
Although I had seen every film on this bill before (and highly recommend them to anyone who hasn’t), I wanted to see them on a big screen. Unfortunately, I only wound up staying for the first four.
While I didn’t buy much merch this time around, I did win a copy of the film Hardware, which despite it being a pretty terrible movie it was pretty cool to win it.
Frankenhooker
First up was the classic from the man behind Brain Damage and Basket Case. I had not seen this great horror comedy since high school but I remembered loving it.
Frankenhooker tells the story of a weird nerd name Jeffery who’s girlfriend dies in a freak accident. Jeffery then looks for ways to put her back together using the body parts of dead hookers. This is one flick that needs to be seen to be believed. It’s fun from front to back with its offensive humor, gross-out scenes, and of all things, exploding hookers.
Slaughterhouse
The second film was the 80’s slasher Slaughterhouse which, ironically, I bought at the last Hudson Horror.
The film is a mix of 80’s teen slashers, redneck Texas Chainsaw Massacre type films, and dark humor. Slaughterhouse is about the owner of a slaughterhouse and his mentally challenged son who talks in pig sounds. When the town decides to shut them down, the two start capturing the town’s officals and making them into meat along with teenagers who try to joke about the place. Slaughterhouse is lots of fun and one to check out if you like slashers.
A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors
Between Dream Warriors and Slaughterhouse was the mystery film. While I can’t say what it was I will say it’s a violent non-horror movie based on an old Manga and it was awesome.
Dream Warriors is my favorite Freddy sequel as the film takes the series into a more comedic/fantasy direction. In the third Nightmare installment, a band of teenagers discover they have special powers in their dreams which they use to battle Freddy Krueger. This film is 80’s cheese at it’s finest and a perfect finale to end the fest.
The Bonesaw 