by Frank Lucci

WWE needs a big win with SummerSlam. After a string of main roster PPV’s that were meh at best and downright depressing at worst they need to prove they can put on a show that people enjoy through and through. To add to the expediency of the moment, we are coming towards Cody Rhodes and the Young Buck’s All In show in September, which is a golden opportunity for independent wrestling to break out for real. I am starting to see a trend with wrestling fans both hardcore and casual to gravitate towards NJPW and indie highlights found on YouTube over watching the dozen or so hours of WWE content produced every week. The barbarians are not quite at the gate, but they are starting to gather down the road. Will parts of SummerSlam be worthy of the second biggest show of the year? Absolutely. Will it all be great? Hell no. But this is a good chance to get some momentum back for the global superpower and quiet some haters. I’m Spaceman Frank and here are my SummerSlam 2018 predictions!

The B-Team (C) vs .The Revival (WWE Raw Tag Team Championship Preshow Match)

Hey kids, it’s The Revival! Remember them and all the super fun matches they had in NXT… (grabs drink)?

But no really I am happy they are being given something to do, and shows Author’s of Pain fans they just need to wait a year and their boys will finally start being relevant again. Is there any more perfect team to be part of the preshow than a team literally called The B-Team? Bo and Curtis to their credit are pretty fun to watch during their celebrations, but I am pretty sure I’ll be cooking up some sausages while this happens. The B-Team win cause the FTR hashtag.

Rusev and Lana vs. Cien Almas and Zelina Vega

Rusev has gone from number one contender for the WWE Championship to tagging with his wife on the preshow. Hey at least this is one for the scrapbook. Meanwhile Cien and Zelina have slowly moving up the card, but they still are fumbling around the preshow when it matters. But hey at least there should be some good action. Except when Lana tags in. I say Ruru and Lana win because love conquers all.

Cedric Alexander (C) vs. Drew Gulak (WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match)

You know what’s fun to watch? 205 Live. Ced might be the most consistently entertaining champ on the WWE main roster. And Drew has been killing it with his Powerpoint gimmick for some time now, and I guarantee he is every grad student’s favorite wrestler because of his presentations. Can we just make the first hour of Raw 205 Live? They deserve better, but at least there is a growing buzz about the program. Seriously any time you just want a power hour of fine wrestling throw it on. I think Cedric is going to retain in an excellent match.

The Bludgeon Brothers (C) vs. The New Day (WWE SmackDown Tag Team Championship Match)

Moving to the main show we got The New Day trying to topple the big old budgies in what should be a fun match. It seems like most fans have given up on the B-Bros, which is a shame cause I think they have done pretty well in an admittedly limited role. The New Day can do whatever they want at this point and people will still love them, but I am ready to see one of them break out and get a run with a solo belt. The Bros win because they are big and have hammers and MY BOY LUKE HARPER IS STILL MY BOY.

Finn Balor vs. Baron Corbin

The “Match that is happening for reasons unknown” part of the card sees Finny take on Baron “def not Corporate Kane” Corbin in a rematch somebody must want. Somewhere. At some point I may care about Balor again, probably when he breaks out The Demon again. And I never cared about Baron Corbin, despite being his dad (via time travel. It’s complicated). I have to say Finn wins because he was the first Universal Champ and that should mean something.

Dolph Ziggler (C W/Drew McIntyre) vs. Seth Rollins (W/ Dean Ambrose) (Intercontinental Championship Match)

Is this considered another overtime period for their Iron Man Match from Extreme Rules? Not sure why we are just getting a strait rematch after that special stipulation match, but whatever. This should be kind of fun, but mostly people will be looking at Dean Ambrose and seeing if he goes for some betrayal. It would certainly be interesting, but I have a feeling they might try to squeeze a quick SHIELD reunion in since the last one crashed and burned so badly. Either way I think Ziggler will win leading to bigger and better things for Sethie and Deanie Poo.

Shinsuke Nakamura (C) vs. Jeff Hardy (United States Championship Match)

Why is this not a triple threat match with Randy Orton? Because Randy is suspended for whipping his penis out at writers (just kidding he’s taking the day off). Nakamura looks great with a title and Jeff is allegedly just as banged up as his brother, so do not expect much. Randy might do a very methodical saunter run in, but really would that make anyone happen? Probably not. Nakamura will retain and hopefully find a worthy opponent of his skills…that does not involve five months of dick kicks.

Carmella (C) vs. Charlotte vs. Becky Lynch (Triple Threat for WWE Smackdown Women’s Championship)

Nobody is ready for Asuka, which is probably why she is she is making slime rather than being part of this match or any part of SummerSlam. I mean, they added Charlotte to the match why not Asuka? Anyway when this was just ‘Mella and Becky I assumed that it was Lynch’s time since she is actually been booked like a winner for once. But then Charlotte was added to the match so I guess it is back to the Loser’s Ball along with Titus Worldwide and Bayley. My vote is Becky and Charlotte eventually get angry at each other over who gets to continue to murder Carmella, leading the champ to get the sneaky roll up win.

Alexa Bliss (C) vs. Ronda Rousey (WWE Raw Women’s Championship)

I feel like this is Ronda’s time. I think WWE is banking on the triumphant imagine of Ronda holding the belt high considering the unknowns of other title matches. This could be the halftime highlight before all the Roman gets everywhere and ruins your night. Plus there is that Evolution show in October that needs a headliner. Plus Alexa Bliss, while a great character, is about as threatening as a feisty kitten. After some hjiinks Ronda wins and hopefully starts showing up more often and moving towards some more physical opponents that can push her to greater heights.

Braun Strowman vs. Kevin Owens (If Owens wins he will earn Money in the Bank Briefcase, Braun will lose briefcase if disqualified or counted out)

This is happening to add some intrigue to the main event. But we will get to that later. After getting murdered (politely because the crash pad under the announcer table) Owens looks to seek revenge If he didn’t get crushed by Strowman for most of their match I would believe he would have more of a chance. I wanna say there could be a chance he special stipulations come into play, but overall Braun has been booked way smarter than most monsters so I think he will play it smart. Plus c’mon Braun is going to the belt sooner rather than later. Don’t tell me Vince isn’t ready to give him a run on the top.

Daniel Bryan vs. The Miz

The emotional highlight of the night sees these two rivals settle years of conflict and I cannot wait. This is not going to be the jazzy technical match of the night, but these dudes are master storytellers and will milk every high and low for what it is worth.  But who will win? There is a little bit of mystery concerning DB’s contract, but really I cannot imagine him hitting the open market. So with that being said, I think Miz will get the opening salvo of what will be a multi-match affair. There is Hell in a Cell coming up, and Miz can cheat here and keep things going until he is trapped with The American Dragon in a steel cage. Miz wins and his show lasts for seven more seasons Morty!

AJ Styles (C) vs. Samoa Joe (WWE Championship Match)

The real main event of the evening sees two vets beat the piss out of each other. WWE learned from the Styles vs Nakamura feud and made this immediately about Joe’s comments about AJ’s family. It has lead to some amazing promos in addition to this amazing mini documentary which is a must watch. Joe has a chance to be the only man to be WWE, TNA, and Ring of Honor champion in history, and you know what? I think he will do it cause it’s now or never with him. Joe wins, even if his run could be a short one.

Brock Lesnar (C) vs. Roman Reigns (WWE Universal Championship)

Welp. Here we are again. The internet is trying to convince themselves that there is some mystery here. Maybe Braun will cash in. Maybe he will make this a triple threat so we do not have to actually watch this rematch.  Maybe Kevin Owens will get the Money in the Bank briefcase and cash in. Maybe Heyman will join Roman. Here what will actually happen: Nothing. It’s time for Roman. We just have to accept it. If the WWE do not have him win now, then he is done. His goose will be cooked. Nobody will take him seriously anymore and WWE knows it. So here we go. It is happening. For Real. LOL ROMAN WINS. Get your beers ready in advanced.