by Frank Lucci

“Extreme” Rules more like it am I right guys? While WWE has decided to fill this PPV to the point of bursting with matches they remained stingy on the stipulations. This has made this event on the whole very unnecessary because we all know that the real action is being held off until SummerSlam. This merely serves to get all the pieces into place and give the main events something to do in the meantime. As someone who refuses to watch Raw and SmackDown i’m still excited to watch, but considering the YouTube clips from the shows seem pretty bleak God help you if you subject yourself to this plus the weekly shows. 205 is a blast though and the Cruiserweights get rewarded for their efforts by…(scanning card)…oh. My name is Spaceman Frank and this is my Extreme Rules 2018 predictions!

Sin Cara vs. Andrade “Cien” Almas (Pre-show Thing That is Happening)

This came together about a few days before the show, and sees Cien Almas face one of maybe three people he has faced on SmackDown since being called up in April. Sin Cara is pretty much a non-entity at this point, so it’s not like the former NXT champion gets a boost from this. But at least he gets to appear on a television screen. That’s fun right?! Cien Almas wins and starts of our evening of twelve (TWELVE???!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME???!!!) matches.

The New Day vs. Sanity (Pre-show Tables Match)

Speaking of sad, sad post-Mania pushes here is Sanity having a losing streak to defend! They came, they saw, they beat up some people before getting pinned by other, more popular wrestlers. At least this match should be plenty of fun if wholy inconsequential to anything relevant. At least my gal Nikki Cross was spotted helping her boys at a SmackDown live show! Sanity gets it together and gets a win so they do not completely blow it on their first glimpse at the main stage.

Bray Wyatt and Matt Hardy (C) vs. The B-Team (WWE Raw Tag Team Championship Match)

Yup. Here is a match that somebody demanded. I am all for giving Curtis and Bo something to do, but they are literally called The B-Team. Bathroom break is written all over this. Bray and Matt win while I eat some queso and chips in the other room catching up on my telenovelas.

Jeff Hardy (C) vs. Shinsuke Nakamura (WWE US Championship Match)

Shinsuke failed to ever put away AJ Styles for the WWE Championship, so now he takes on the walking wounded (according to the rumors) Jeff Hardy. Why dick kicks are not legal to keep that gimmick going is a mystery to me. It sounds like Jeff seriously needs some time off and they need to recover Nakamura’s image after the constant losing/non-finishes so he will win here to give him some payoff for his push.

Braun Strowman vs. Kevin Owens

The Monster in the Bank is in a holding pattern while he (like everyone else) wait to see when Brock Lesnar will show up next. And what does WWE do when it has it’s main eventers in a holding pattern? Kill a French Canadian. And with Sami Zayn out until next year with multiple shoulder problems it falls to KO to be sacrificed. Braun flipping over the car? Awesome. Braun knocking over a porta potty? Ummmm ok. KO hiding from a workplace bully in his bosses office? Sounds like a problem for HR. Braun wins in a squash as we remember Kevin Owens winning the Universal Championship with sadness.

Finn Balor vs. Baron Corbin

Corbin is bald now, so I can’t make jokes about his hair. Sigh…but seriously, he looks much better without hair and the Constable Corbin gimmick is way better than him just Lone-Wolfing on innocent audiences across the country. Finn is the king of doing absolutely nothing of note for the majority of the year, and while this can be fun I do not remember a time I took him seriously as someone who wins big matches. Hell, the most excited I got for him this year was seeing the chemistry he had while facing Strowman in various situations before WrestleMania but we never even got a real feud out of it. Can we get that at some point please?

This one is a toss up for me and I think whoever wins has a good chance of filling time in a match at SummerSlam so I will pick Finn to win. Only to lose in the opener of SummerSlam against John Cena like Baron did last year.

Carmella (C) vs. Asuka (James Ellsworth in a Shark Cage Match for the WWE Smackdown Women’s Championship)

Gasp! A stipulation match! Finally! And it is a…oh. Oh No. Not the shark cage again.

Ellsworth is my boy and I’m glad he is getting paid but Jesus why with this. Carmella is good as the annoying cowardly champ, but her time has come. Gotta get your big guns in spots to succeed before SummerSlam and Asuka has farted around long enough. Just give her the belt already so we can see her take on Charlotte again. Asuka wins and snaps Ellsworth in half and drinks his spinal fluid.

Alexa Bliss (C) vs. Nia Jax (Extreme Rules Match for WWE Raw Women Championship)

Has anyone been damaged more by Ronda Rousey’s (deserved) push than Nia? Won the belt, set up to be an anti-bully hero, then immediately turns heel and proves her rival right. Now she is ready to take on her longstanding rival with the only extreme rules match on the card. We are all waiting for Rousey to come back from “suspension” and it would fit her current character to interfere and set up a triple threat at SummerSlam. More likely, though, I see Alexa winning and then getting fed to Ronda at the big event in August.

The Bludgeon Brothers (C) vs. Team Hell No (WWE SmackDown Tag Team Championship Match)

Team Hell No, official owners of the newest worst shirt ever produced by WWE. They have reunited despite Kane having an mayoral campaign to run to take on MY BOY Luke Harper and Erick Rowan. I’m glad The Bros of Bludgeoning get something real to do, but really anyone can fill this spot because it is all about what may happen after. I have heard theories that Kane will turn heel, but who turns heel when they are running for office?! He could sway some people against him and cost himself the match, err um election! I think The Miz will interfere and we shall finally get Miz vs. Daniel Bryan and all the glorious promos that will happen in the build.

Dolph Ziggler (C) vs. Seth Rollins (30 Minute Iron Man Match for WWE Intercontinental Championship Match)

I really want to be excited for this match. I really do. But knowing that this is a half an hour match sandwiched in a 12 match card makes me very apathetic. Ziggler and his buddy Drew are much together than separate, and there is potential for plenty of fun. I just do not see anyone caring about this unless it is the opener. The Zigglypuff has more momentum than he has in awhile, and Seth is still Seth so it shouldn’t be an stinker. Ziggler wins to set up a rematch that sees an actually extreme rule or two attached to it.

AJ Styles (C) vs. Rusev (WWE Championship Match)

I was thrilled when Rusev won the gauntlet match to become number one contender. Finally, one of my favorite wrestlers was getting an actual chance to show off that he can be capable of headlining a show, and then…nothing.

Rusev and AJ have farted around like they are waiting for Brock Lesnar to show up on their show instead of Raw. It is a pretty sad state of affairs that AJ Styles, one of the best wrestlers in the world and the actual champion of WWE cannot even get top billing when Lesnar is absent. Even worse is they cannot take Rusev seriously despite being one of the most popular wrestlers on the roster. I do not know what the WWE is thinking here and it brings down everything else the company is trying to do. AJ wins in a solid match that makes me mad that it is not the top of the card.

Roman Reigns vs. Bobby Lashley

Meanwhile, in Vince’s wet dreams we have this match. I was stoked to see Lashley return to WWE since I heard he was a bright spot on Impact, but since his redebut he has been nothing short of lame. Just another big bulking guy taking up the limelight as literally dozens of other wrestlers deserve the spotlight more. And then we have The Squeaky Puppy Roman Reign trying to gain an edge by working himself into a shoot and causing eye rolls across the country. At least Bobby has the benefit of the doubt when it comes to a potential Lesnar match, but I do not want any of this match. Get this out of my sight and bring me Braun winning the Universal belt at SummerSlam or I may cry. I’ll go with Bob Lashers here because why not.