The Last WWE PPV of 2018 is here! Which means the Royal Rumble and WrestleMania are coming fairly soon, which means WWE might actually get their try pants on and make some good television. To be fair I have seen many people who think TLC should be a fairly good event, but I felt the same way about Survivor Series before turning it off when Samoa Joe was eliminated within a minute in favor of Fallout 76. But hey, people don’t like that game but I love it, so perhaps I am just weird. There is a couple matches I am looking forward to, but there is 12 (TWELVE!!!??? WHY?????!!!) matches here so it will inevitably stall at some point. I’m Spaceman Frank and here are my TLC 2018 predictions!

Buddy Murphy (C) vs. Cedric Alexander (WWE Cruiserweight Championship Match)

I do not see any matches confirmed for the preshow, but this has to be on their right? Right??!! I Love Cedric, but his reign as Cruiserweight champ was pretty dull. Mustafa Ali has overtaken him as the goodest good boy of 205 Live. Watch his match with Daniel Bryan, you will not regret it. Meanwhile Buddy Murphy is still doing his best, which is pretty good. Not great, but he can carry his weight in the ring. I think the future Mr. Alexa Bliss wins again until they pull the trigger on the inevitable Ali title run.

Natalya vs .Ruby Riott (Tables Match)

This is another probable preshow match is technically the second most important women’s feud on Raw. I do not know anybody who cares about this rivalry though. This is another classic WWE trope of “some heel makes fun of a family member that passed away recently” story that would be offensive if I had energy to care. I guess Ruby wins because nothing will stop the Riott Squad from interfering? Yeah that feels right.

Elias vs. Bobby Lashley (Ladder with a Guitar instead of a title…match…We’ll call it the Jeff Jarrett Ladder Match)

I could see this as a likely preshow match, but I feel like it is just past being unimportant enough to make the preshow. Elias apparently has not won a PPV match all year which…sounds right.  Meanwhile Bobby Lashley beat Roman Reigns on PPV. We all remember that right? Or was it a fever dream? Anyway this stipulation is stupid and if it goes past five minutes I may fall asleep. Lashers wins because he is massive and hates guitars.

Rey Mysterio vs. Randy Orton (Chairs Match)

Two vets getting a paycheck. Is this really what Rey came back for? To wrestle someone he probably wrestled dozens of times before? I’ll pass. Randy wins cause he can.

Finn Balor vs. Drew McIntyre

Hey! Someone snuck a regular match in this gimmick PPV! Drew appears to have a rocket strapped to his back, and you know what? I’m into it. At least they are trying something new with someone with the skills to back it up. He may not be a future legend, but he can at least find his niche and run with it. All this will come at the expense of Finn, who didn’t ask to be shoved so far down the card but I do not see it ending anytime soon. Drew wins so he can keep moving up.

The Bar (C) vs. The New Day vs. Usos (Triple Threat Match for the WWE Tag Team Titles)

You know what would be swell? This match, at WrestleMania, in a TLC match as a callback to the WrestleMania X-7. As for this match, It should be a definite highlight of the night. These guys, sort of a horrendous rap battle, can do nothing wrong. Plus the Big Show is gone again so we do not have to worry about him slowlyyyy interfering in the match. I can see this going several ways, but my totally out of the blue rando pick is the Usos. They are falling behind the other two, and I think they need a solid win against both teams to get back on their level.

Braun Strowman vs. Baron Corbin (TLC match where if Braun wins he is number one contender and Baron is back being a regular wrestler, and if Baron wins he is GM for realz this time)

Braun may or may not be still hurt, but i’ll eat a pair of socks before I pick Baron. And that was before the rumors that Kurt Angle is going to appear on Raw Monday. I think this will be a quickly squash with maybe a bit of Heath to add some color, but in the end Braun yells in Baron’s face, throws him off something, and wins so we can get another terrible match with Brock. Can Strowman just kick his pale ass already and be champ? Ain’t nobody got time for another Brock Lesnar title run.

R-Truth and Carmella vs. Jinder Mahal and Alicia Fox (Mixed Match Challenge Final; Winner gets the number 30 spot in the Royal Rumble)

Let’s check in on the Mixed Match challenge…

HOW THE HELL IS THIS THE FINALS???!!!

I mean there was plenty of injuries and everything but seriously??!! I knew those dance breaks would lead to disaster. Jinder and Foxy are…the same people they always have been. My best case scenario is that R-Truth wins and gets confused come the Rumble and enters first. As a R-Truth hater it would make me happy.  As for Carmella i guess this is better than her getting wins over Asuka. Fabulous Truth wins during the dancing bathroom break.

Ronda Rousey (C) vs. Nia Jax (Raw Women’s Championship Match)

Welp. I suppose this needs to happen so we can move onto bigger and better things. Nia is leaning heavily into her “oops I hurt a coworker for real and cost everyone a dream match” character, which does help her get boos. Meanwhile the more Ronda talks the less I like her. I would believe her anti-millennial rants if she didn’t go into hibernation after her MMA loses and try to tee off against The Man after her journey to the top. Nyway we probably already saw the best version of this match at Money in the Bank so hopefully this doesn’t drag on long. Ronda wins blah blah blah build back up to a match with Lynch.

Seth Rollins (C) vs. Dean Ambrose (Intercontinental Championship Match)

Remember how excited everyone was for this match when Dean turns evil? And then they ruined it by having Dean give “wacky Dean with his hot dog cart” style speeches that you should see drain the life out of audiences in real time.  Meanwhile Seth seems to be feuding with everyone but Dean at the moment. Hell, I think he called me out on Raw at some point. That being said these guys have not had a chance to actually get n the ring, so maybe they can salvage it. This will either be a DQ or a nonstarter as they eventually get around to making this a real feud.

Daniel Bryan (C) vs. AJ Styles (WWE Championship Match)

I did not think I would enjoy a DB heel turn, but his evil hippy character is pretty fun. He is doing his best to get me to boo him, but like Kevin Owens he is just too good to actually hate. Plus he managed to get Brock to work a match that almost looked like a match normal wrestlers would have. Meanwhile AJ is AJ and my only complaint towards him is that he still has not learned to wear a cup. Dude, you need a cup! Protect ya balls man. Anyway Daniel Bryan wins so AJ can negotiate his contract and get his well deserved down time and fats stacks of cash.

Becky Lynch (C) vs. Charlotte vs Asuka (TLC Match for WWE Women’s Championship)

If this is not the main event of evening you can kiss a WrestleMania 35 headlined by  women goodbye. Becky Lynch is clearly The Man in every sense, and it is hard to deny it. Just watch this video. Is there anyone else crushing it on so many fronts as her? Charlotte is still a top tier wrestler and Asuka could very well be on Becky’s level if they let her just murder people and scream in Japanese at people. But Becky will not be stopped. Her dominance both has elevated several wrestlers while exposing those who do not match up (cough, Ronda, cough). Becky wins and blah blah blah just kill more people please and then set their bodies ablaze on Twitter.